


Somebody Hurt You (I Know A Place)

by Writcraft



Category: BBC Radio 1 RPF, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Bisexual Louis, Blow Jobs, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Coming Out, First Time, Hand Jobs, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced BDSM, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Homophobic Violence, Injury Recovery, M/M, Rimming, Romance, Temporary Amnesia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2019-02-01 01:10:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12693927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writcraft/pseuds/Writcraft
Summary: An unexpected encounter brings Nick and Louis together but before they can tell anyone about their relationship an attack on Louis tears them both apart. Nick struggles to deal with the fact Louis no longer remembers their time together as Louis struggles with his injuries and nightmares in the aftermath of the attack. Together they help one another to heal and learn how to love all over again.





	Somebody Hurt You (I Know A Place)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tintedglasses](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tintedglasses/gifts).



> Tintedglasses, thank you so much for some fantastic prompts which you very kindly said could be interpreted broadly. I’ve paid particular attention to your interests in Angst, Hurt/Comfort and Happy Endings and hope that my spin on two of your prompts - Nick or Louis getting injured and Louis disappearing then coming back - delivers. 
> 
> I’ve tagged this with implied/referenced homophobic violence out of caution but it is all non-graphic and happens off-screen. The title and quote at the beginning are of course from MUNA's 'I Know A Place.' Massive thanks to the (very patient) mods for running this fabulous exchange and to Jiksax and Silveredglass for cheerleading, pre-reading and building my confidence when I wibbled over this story. You are both wonderful <333

_Somebody hurt you_  
_But you're here by my side_  
_And I can tell_  
_When you get nervous_  
_You think being yourself means being unworthy_  
_And it's hard to love with a heart that's hurting_  
_But if you want to go out dancing_  
_I know a place (ooh)_  
_I know a place we can go (yeah)_  
_Don't you be afraid of love and affection_

  


**//THEN**

Harry looks like he should be a decorative feature on Gardeners’ World what with the floral suit Nick’s nanna wouldn’t even use to dress the windows and the mermaid hair. By rights he should be draped elegantly over someone’s water fountain or wearing a flower crown and prancing through the woods like a gangly fawn. All he needs is a wind machine and Infinity’s going to start getting a bit Celine Dion on the Titanic.

Cheryl keeps giving Liam the eye and Nick makes a remark the mics don’t catch that earns him a sharp prod in the side. Worst kept secret in showbiz, that. Good on them both. Nick’s not at _all_ bitter about people finding love when the most excitement he’s had lately is a couple of racy puns about soggy bottoms on Bake Off. Just because his purpose in life is to torment Nick, Harry keeps sticking his tongue in his cheek when he looks at the judges table. Of course, that makes Nick think of being sucked off and Harry knows it which is precisely why he’s doing it. He’s a monster, that one. A bloody menace. Nick’s going to have to take the piss on the radio tomorrow. Something about how Harry flicked his hair around and broke the hearts of at least three Victoria Secrets models with his high notes.

Nick misses Zayn. Not _misses_ him because that would imply that Nick has interactions with him beyond cancelled interviews and stories from Harry after a night on the sauce. More misses ogling him on stage. Harry is too…well, he’s Harry. Too _one of Nick’s best mates_ to ruin it for the sake of a shag, and it would ruin it. Because Harry’s commitment issues are about as bad as Nick’s and that’s saying something. Besides, he’s a bit too floral tonight. Liam’s a nice lad, like Niall. Perfectly good blokes to have a pint with or a round of golf. If Nick was a _lets go round to the lads and watch the footie_ sort or up for a bit of go-karting he’d probably give Liam and Niall a call. He’s not though, so he doesn’t. Nick thinks about shagging popstars with disconcerting frequency and he can say – categorically – that he has never remotely entertained the possibility of shagging Liam or Niall. Even Rihanna’s higher on Nick’s list and she’s not even the right gender. He’s fairly sure that with Liam and Niall, the feeling’s mutual.

That just leaves—

“Louis looks good tonight.” Rita leans into Nick, thirsty for a good-looking popstar which is probably one of the reasons they got on so well. “Don’t you think?”

Nick raises what he hopes is a very scathing eyebrow in her direction. “Leave it out.”

“Just saying.” Rita elbows him, and her dress slips just enough to give Nick a proper eyeful. Christ, Nick hopes she doesn’t fall out of it. He loves Rita and thinks she’s bloody beautiful but snogging girls is pretty much a low point for Nick. Not that getting off with Rita Ora should ever be anyone’s low point, but considering he’s gay and not in the slightest bit interested in her body in anything other than a _who’s your personal trainer_ sort of way, he thinks she deserves better and imagines his giggling into their kiss was a pretty low point for her too. “Your type, Grim.” She cackles. 

“If my type’s straight and annoying.” Nick pinches Rita’s drink and takes a sip. His throat’s a bit dry and he might have to say something inspiring about Harry’s suit or get misty-eyed about the One D hiatus in a minute. 

“Do you reckon he is, though?” Rita nicks her drink back and her eyes train on Louis.

“Annoying? Yeah, obviously.” Nick isn’t going to entertain the question he knows he’s really being asked. From what he’s seen on Twitter, Louis Tomlinson already gets enough of that and Nick doesn’t want to add to it. Louis’ sexuality could be radio DJs moonlighting as X-Factor judges edging dangerously close to middle age and he still wouldn’t be into Nick. Besides, Nick can’t say he’s given who Louis Tomlinson wants to shag that much thought.

Nick stands when One Direction leave the X-Factor stage and he finds himself engulfed by Harry’s spidery arms and the familiar _clap, clap_ on the back that accompanies a Harry hug. He’s put something weird in his hair which makes it smell like coconuts.

“You look like my nan’s sofa,” Nick tells him.

“You look like a dad at a wedding in that jacket.” Harry grins at Nick and pulls back from the hug, giving him a light punch on the shoulder. He always pulls that one out because he’s stupidly young and likes to remind Nick of his youthfulness frequently, so Nick can go home and worry about the wrinkles on his forehead for another few hours.

“Okay, Frankie Cocozza.” Nick shoves Harry towards Rita who’s also after a hug and he suspects Harry’s going to appreciate the whole sexy dress thing more than Nick does. It turns out to be a bit of an error, because Nick’s left fiddling with the button on his blazer with no one to hug while Cheryl and Liam are about as subtle as Harry’s suit and Harry and Rita start making jokes about Nick’s quiff looking a bit flaccid. 

“Alright, Nick,” Louis says. 

“Louis.” Nick swallows because contrary to popular opinion and his earlier words to Rita, Louis does actually look half decent with his fitted suit, slicked-up quiff and—

Christ. It’s a hug. It’s a hug and Louis Tomlinson has sharp hipbones, smells like heaven and he holds onto Nick briefly but firmly enough that Nick wants to bury his face in Louis’ neck and keep him there forever. He fits perfectly in the crook of Nick’s arm.

“Decent job tonight.” Louis pulls back, clearly oblivious to the fact Nick’s about two seconds from having to take a couple of puffs on his inhaler. Nick keeps his hand on Louis’ shoulder, while Louis keeps an arm around his waist and _god_ when did Nick get so reluctant to stop touching Louis Tomlinson?

“Thanks.” Nick’s mouth appears to have stopped working, which is odd because Nick’s usually good at being gobby and annoying. Everyone says so. He tries to think of something funny but ends up with the truth. “Looked good up there.”

Louis arches an eyebrow as if he thinks Nick’s taking the piss. He flicks his eyes over Nick and then leans in to Nick again. “Pleasure as always, mate.” With a roll of his eyes and a scathing look at Nick’s jacket, Louis disappears into the crowd.

“Photo, Grim.” Rita grabs Nick and pulls him into a photo which is mainly Harry altruistically protecting her modesty by getting a good handful and Nick grinning like a twat at the camera. For good measure he throws up a V sign with his fingers behind Rita’s head like he’s fifteen years old and Harry’s worn that suit and Rita’s got her boobs out because they’re trying to get served alcohol in a shit club in Oldham. 

When he finally manages to extricate himself from a dull conversation with Simon and everything feels a bit less mad, Nick goes outside for a smoke. He leans back against the wall and closes his eyes, breathing in the night air. 

“I might do the X-Factor next year.” 

Nick opens his eyes and finds himself face to face with Louis Tomlinson, fag in hand and a smug look on his face.

“Bully for you.” Nick looks Louis up and down. The outfit’s not as well put together as he thought. It still makes Louis look fit as fuck, but the t-shirt is loose and scruffy, and the shoes could definitely use work. He feels a bit better about his own jacket. “Go for it. Don’t think I’ll do it next year anyway.”

“Why?” Louis sounds genuinely interested so Nick decides to take the question at face value.

“Too much work with Breakfast. Never going to meet a fit lad if I’m hanging around Radio One and the X-Factor studios all the time. Eileen’s given up on me.” 

Louis pulls a face and dicks around with his hair. “Bit rude, that.”

Nick nearly chokes on the smoke from his cigarette. “That my mum’s given up on me?”

Louis’ eyes glint in the moonlight and he shakes his head, keeping his gaze firmly on Nick even as his cheeks turn pink. “The fit lad bit.”

Nick looks around to make sure he hasn’t missed a Diesel casting going on across the road, but there’s no one. Just Nick, Louis and a sad looking can of Stella perched precariously on a dustbin.

“Problem is,” Nick says, “I need the fit lad to be interested. Otherwise it’s just going to make me miserable and Eileen’s never going to get to make her wedding trifle.”

Louis rolls his eyes and holds out his hand. “Give us your phone, then.”

“What?” Nick’s got all sorts on his phone. The picture Pixie took of him in Daisy’s sexy lingerie pretending to snog George, for a start. Louis seems like the sort that might find it and put it on Twitter. He takes his phone out of his pocket nevertheless, and taps out the password before handing it over. “No prank calls. I know what you One Direction boys are like.”

“Bet you do.” Louis sounds annoyed. He messes around with Nick’s phone until something in Louis’ pocket _pings_. He locks the screen again and hands the phone back to Nick, taking a last drag of his cigarette and dropping it on the floor. “See you around, mate.” 

Louis shoves his hands in his pockets and saunters off as Nick stares at his phone and wonders what the fuck just happened.

**//NOW**

Pixie doesn’t deserve it because she’s just over to try to help Nick sort his life out and find out what’s bothering him, but when Nick finds the jumper he’s been living in for days freshly washed and neatly folded he has a meltdown. It’s a very Nick sort of meltdown. Lots of flailing hands and sentences that spill out of him which make no sense to anyone but himself.

“It’s a fucking jumper,” Pixie says.

That’s fair. To everyone else it’s just a _fucking jumper_ that Nick needs to stop wearing because even the paps think he’s gone off on a mad one. They’re on about coke and focus in on the red-rimmed eyes and the way Nick looks hollow. Like an egg-shell without any filling. Fragile. Not quite hard-boiled enough to withstand being dropped. They’re already pointing out the cracks and the chinks and they’re asking _r u ok hun?_ like it’s something to joke about. Like it’s funny, that Nick might be losing his marbles. He’s tempted to do a Britney, shave off all his hair and see how they like him then. 

It’s just a fucking jumper to everyone else, but for Nick it’s the only thing he has that still smells like Louis.

Louis Tomlinson off of One Direction, notoriously fond of a Twitter spat with Nick. Louis Tomlinson who’s _recuperating at home_ according to _The Sun_ somewhere in London after some fucking _twats_ decided to jump him for being the _gay one from that boyband_. Louis who has amnesia that stretches back to pre-Nick according to Harry. Not that Harry knows about Nick. No one does. Nick can’t even claim _friends and family_ visitation rights and turn up at Louis’ with a bunch of carnations because to everyone else they might as well be strangers. To _Louis_ they might as well be strangers. Even the fans Louis doesn’t know get more access to Louis than Nick does, camping outside the hospital those first few days with candles, flowers and rainbows. 

It’s annoying, is what it is. _Annoying_. Louis kissed Nick goodnight like he was going to come back. Just stood there in the scarf Nick got him, all sharp smile, white teeth and shining blue eyes. He made Nick a promise. He patted Pig on the head and said something about sneaking her a bit of his kebab. Louis should know that Nick and Pig don’t like it when people make them promises they’re not prepared to keep.

 _Be back in a bit_ , Louis said. 

But he wasn’t. 

He wasn’t back in a bit.

Nick’s going to tell him off for breaking his promise. Going to have a fucking word with Louis and tell him, no. _No_. You don’t just promise to give Pig some of your kebab and then just not turn up. Pig was waiting by the door. Her tail was wagging and everything. She was excited about seeing you and even went for a wee in the garden like she was meant to. She’s a good girl, Pig. You can’t let her down like that. Can’t just say _kebab_ and then leave her panting at the door with her tail thudding off the wall as she noses at your trainers and gets used to the smell of you. You don’t just kiss someone like you’re only going for a night out with your boys if it’s going to be days and weeks.

You don’t get to tell someone _I love you, you knob_ for the first time and then _not come back_. 

Nick’s so angry with Louis. So fucking furious. He wishes he could hate Louis. Wishes he didn’t have this big, empty hole in his chest and that wave of nausea that rolls in his stomach when the sun comes up and he remembers. He wants to forget. Wants to wipe Louis Tomlinson and his smile and his stupid, full heart from his memory.

Because it would be easier, wouldn’t it? To forget, just like Louis.

Nick scrolls through his phone and wonders when it came to this. Checking the Daily Mail for updates on his boyfriend. The boyfriend nobody even knows Nick has. Had.

He needs to see Louis. He needs to find out a way to tell Louis he owes Pig a kebab and he owes Nick that filthy thing he promised to do when he got back. The thing they both like but talk about in code because it’s not the sort of thing you just ask for off the bat.

It’s not fair, breaking promises.

It’s not fair.

Nick curls up in bed and presses the freshly washed jumper to his nose. 

It smells like detergent and Louis is nowhere to be found at all.

**//THEN**

Because Louis is a dickhead who likes messing with Nick’s head, he’s saved himself as the emoji with the sunglasses in Nick’s phone. Nick is so distracted he lets Pig on the bed and swallows as he reads the message Louis sent to himself earlier that night. At least Nick assumes Louis sent it to himself. Knowing Louis, it could be some weird porn line and Nick’s going to be in all sorts of trouble if he sends any more texts.

_legend_

Nick rolls his eyes and chews on his thumbnail. He starts typing something witty and clever until his anxiety gets the better of him and tells him his message probably isn’t witty or clever at all. As he’s deliberating over whether to go for casual, unbothered or Ronnie Wood’s joke of the day, the bubbles appear on the screen and his phone vibrates in his hand.

_took you long enough :)_

Nick stares at the phone. His hands are a bit sweaty and he’s all fingers and thumbs. 

_didn’t know you were waiting_. He adds a turtle for good measure. They’re slow, turtles. A bit like Nick is when it comes to demanding popstars fucking with his head, apparently. The response comes back quickly.

_meet any fit lads in the end ?_

Nick takes a breath. His hands are shaking. Fucking _shaking_. It’s not like he hasn’t had text conversations – a lot filthier than turtle emojis – before. It’s just…Louis. It’s weird and it’s making Nick unsettled and he doesn’t like feeling unsettled. He likes Pig sniffing at his hand and cuddling up to him even when she’s not supposed to be on the bed. He likes his friends that he’s known for years, Fifi taking the piss out of him and the models he fucks less and less these days that he couldn’t give two hoots about. 

_just the one_

Nick adds then deletes the aubergine and the emoji that looks a bit like come. He’s not going to have Louis on the other end of the phone thinking Nick’s got his hand in his pants or anything. He taps out another message.

_fancy popstar trying to copy my quiff_

Bubbles, then another ping.

_ha ha ! you wish mate_

_was alright wasn’t it ?_

Nick thinks Louis means the show rather than the quiff and he’s so bloody confused because for some godforsaken reason Louis is texting Nick well after midnight and it’s like he wants Nick’s approval. The compliment Nick never got to give because he was too distracted by the hug, the hips and whatever cologne Louis doused himself in that was perfectly designed to get every single one of Nick’s senses tingling.

_bit better than alright – tumblr and twitter got well into it_

The reply takes longer to come this time, as if Louis starts the message then stops and then starts all over again.

_were you into it ?_

Nick actually can’t breathe. He takes a puff of his inhaler before replying.

 _was into it_ Nick pauses then continues, emboldened by the beers he had in Harry’s dressing room after the show.

_would have preferred a snog to a hug though – if you were offering_

There’s silence on the other end of the phone for long enough that Nick’s about to jump out of his skin. Eventually, after he’s turned his phone face down on the bedside table and tried to pretend he’s completely unbothered by the reply, it pings once, then twice, then three times. He picks it up and clicks so he can see the responses lit up on the screen in the darkness of his room.

_mum called sorry_

_wasn’t offering_

_not the sort of boy to kiss on a first date, Nicholas :)_

Nick tries to ignore the way his body responds to the fact that Louis is, undoubtedly, flirting. Instead, because he’s a mature adult with lots of experience in these matters, he puts his head into his pillow and lets out a loud enough _arrrgh_ that Pig starts barking and knocks over his favourite lamp.

**//NOW**

Nick’s room is too hot. It’s one of those still nights without any breeze and the air around him feels cloying. He flicks on his lamp and pushes his glasses onto his nose, pulling up articles about Louis on his phone. He’s going to be knackered in the morning but tossing and turning isn’t helping anything.

He clicks on another piece of scintillating _Daily Mail_ journalism and rolls his eyes at the old fan theories the paper has managed to unearth. He’s not sure when investigative journalism involved reading fanfiction, but he supposes he shouldn’t expect much nuance from the _Mail_. It’s all gay, straight and nothing in between. The article includes a grainy photograph of a hug from years ago with Harry and an interview with some ex-girlfriend they’ve unearthed from school as proof of heterosexuality.

Nick is so furious that the focus is of the article is gossipy speculation about whether Louis actually is _the gay one from that boyband_. They might try bloody well pointing out that it doesn’t fucking matter what Louis is – no one has the right to attack him. The story is so wrong, it even gets the details of Louis' family all fucked up not to mention his sexuality. Louis isn’t gay at all. Nick can say that categorically because they discussed it over fish and chip takeaway with mushy peas for Nick and lashings of gravy for Louis. He’s bisexual, and from everything he said in the quiet room, sneaking Pig chips under the table and thinking Nick didn’t notice, Louis was just starting to find the right label for all those confusing feelings and uncertain moments. It sounded big and terrifying and Nick didn’t think he would ever stop kissing Louis that night. Nick’s also thankful Aimee sat him down long before Louis came into his life and pointed out (literally poked him in the chest with a colourful acrylic fingernail) why his _on their way to gay_ joke about bisexual lads were rubbish. Of course, the _Mail_ doesn’t mention bisexuality at all, because it’s a stupid fucking paper that Nick shouldn’t even be reading.

It was all so new to Louis. Nick was the first man for Louis and that…that’s something Nick can’t think about right now without crying into his pillow and putting on the Mariah. They had this plan. Louis was going to go home and speak to his family then come back to London and spend Friday curled up on Nick’s sofa with Pig, telling the people it’s okay to tell over the phone like the lads and his friends from Donny. _I expect lots of cups of tea when you’re back from the radio, Nicholas. Big day for me. I don’t want any of your Twinings nonsense. Make it a PG Tips or a nice cup of Yorkshire_. Nick burrows his face in Pig’s warm body and tries not to bawl. They were so close. Just a few weeks away from Louis taking this massive, brave step and posting the short video Nick helped him script. Nick made a joke about whether Louis would get more views than Tom Daley.

It was going to be brilliant. They were going to turn their phones off after it was done, ignore the internet and spend forty-eight hours cocooned in Nick’s flat where no one would ever expect to find Louis. They were going to get the kind of unhealthy snacks Louis loves because he has a metabolism that means he can eat crap and still look fit and gorgeous. Nick was going to have the weekend off boring diets and sorting through his favourite Instagram filters. They hadn’t planned to mention _Louis and Nick_ , but Louis wanted to mention a someone and they knew it was only a matter of time before one of the fans would do enough investigative work to connect the dots.

It was exciting, planning for that weekend. They cuddled up in bed and talked until Nick knew he was going to be tired in the morning. Nick promised to show Louis _Paris is Burning_ and threatened to show him _Bridesmaids_ at least three times during the weekend, because Louis is knob who hasn’t even seen it once. Louis said he was going to show Nick some documentary about Doncaster Rovers that sounded boring as fuck. Nick had secret plans to blow Louis during that documentary, mainly because Louis’ cock is a hell of a lot more interesting to Nick than football.

Nick told Louis it feels like such a relief to be able to say it out loud. They planned for popcorn and a weekend hunkered away doing all those things to one another they were always too rubbish to talk about unless vodka was involved. Nick made it sound like fun. Come out, he said. It’ll be a laugh. All _Paris is Burning_ and blanket forts.

Nick wants to kick himself for making it sound so flippant, so _easy_. They didn’t even talk about the _what ifs_. The possibility of rejection from someone Louis loves and trusts with all his heart. How to cope with reframing friendships and discovering that people who say they have your back when they think you're straight sometimes change their minds when you tell them you’re not. They didn’t talk about the shit side at all because Louis and Nick are good at avoiding serious conversations.

Nick knows from the reports that someone heard Louis yell back as the lads gathered around him. The papers have been on about it for days – the fact Louis shouted _so what if I am? So what if I fucking am?_ before those wankers did their best to silence him for good.

Nick can’t help but feel he could have done more. Should have protected Louis from it or warned him or _something_.

Instead, he sat at home watching the telly while Louis got bashed and Nick did nothing at all.

**//THEN**

Nick’s up earlier than Louis which means he gets to text first with his head less fuzzy from beer than the night before. He flicks on the telly to watch the news and then puts on the radio as he showers, singing along to the music on Adele’s show. He cleans his teeth, feeds Pig and checks his phone to make sure he didn’t imagine the whole surreal _flirting with Louis Tomlinson_ thing. 

Just for good measure he checks again when he’s in his Uber. Louis’ number is still there under that ridiculous emoji. Nick spends most of the journey to work composing his text to Louis. It’s a bit embarrassing really, as he ends up with precisely seven words.

_better have you over for dinner then_

Nick has been known to spend hours composing his emails and texts if he’s interested in someone but it’s usually easier than this. It’s rare that he gets the butterflies, the clammy palms and the kind of nervous anxiety he associates with those first few moments as a teen when he fancied someone rotten or got off with a bloke in those heady, early days of first times and mouths tasting like cigarettes and illegally purchased booze. Nick swallows and switches his phone off because he knows he’s going to keep staring at it throughout the show if he leaves it on. Fifi has to feel his forehead to check he’s not coming down with something when he doesn’t try to sneak so much as one quick text in between links. There’s a lot of chat about the One Direction hiatus and Harry’s suit and Nick tells an excellent story about Harry looking like Florence off of Florence and the Machine and drinking beer with Anne in his dressing room. It all goes swimmingly and when he finally has a moment to himself, Nick switches his phone on and holds his breath.

_probably should :)_

Nick sucks in a sharp breath and resists the urge to tap back _tonight?_ He drums his fingers on the table, thinking.

_when?_

Hilarious. Brilliant. Nick’s a proper wordsmith this morning. He rolls his eyes at himself and groans under his breath. His text game needs work.

_don’t know if you heard but I don’t have a job anymore ;-)_

_whenever_

Nick taps back the suggestion of Friday night because that way he doesn’t have to disappear off to bed at eight like a nanna. The reply comes back instantly.

_sick_

Nick shoves his phone in his pocket and turns back to his computer, getting straight on Google. It informs him that Louis hates baked beans, loves pizza, Greggs and KFC. He also learns that Louis was inordinately proud of making chicken stuffed with mozzarella and wrapped in Palma ham once, which makes Nick feel better about his own cooking. He’s got this. 

If Nick also spends a bit of time browsing tumblr for pictures of Louis looking fit, well. That’s just part of his research too.

**//NOW**

“Hiya.” Nick stands awkwardly in Louis’ doorway and shoves some petrol station flowers in his direction. “You okay?”

“Smashing, mate.” _Mate_. It stings more than it should. Louis gives Nick a sharp, curious look. A flicker of something crosses his features – fear perhaps. Nick can’t quite read him and wonders when that happened. He was just getting used to reading between the lines with Louis. His right eye is still bruised, shadowed by dark reds and purples and his leg is in a plaster cast that finishes just below his knee. He leans on his crutches and eyes the flowers wilting in Nick’s hand. The flowers are rubbish. Nick should’ve got some nice ones from Waitrose. “Don’t exactly have a free hand.” Louis waves the crutch he isn’t leaning against. “Get a glass or summat from the kitchen. That way.” Louis points his crutch, like Nick doesn’t know his way around.

Flowers were a terrible idea. Of course Louis doesn’t have a vase. Nick knows that or feels as though he should have done. He closes the door behind him and they make slow progress into the kitchen where Nick busies himself trying to find a pint glass for the flowers. “Shall I make us a cuppa?”

“Can do.” Louis sounds wary. “Milk, no sugar.”

Nick swallows back the _I know_ and puts the kettle on. He can’t let himself look at Louis. Louis, who can’t walk without crutches and had to cut his joggers so they would go over the cast on his leg. Louis who looks bruised, vulnerable and like he doesn’t know what the fuck Nick’s doing at his house.

“We need to talk.” Nick takes a breath, needs his inhaler almost immediately and simultaneously has never been more desperate for a fag. “Can we?”

“If you want,” Louis says. “Need to sit down, though. I’m shit on crutches.”

“Me too.” Nick laughs and it’s a bit watery. He scrubs his eyes with his back to Louis, hoping he won’t notice Nick being weird and sobbing into the carnations. “Had to use them after playing footie a few years ago.”

“Didn’t know you played.” Louis sounds amused and like he doesn’t quite believe it, which is rude. Nick could be excellent at football.

“I don’t. Hadn’t kicked a ball in fourteen years and ended up in a leg brace. Tore up some ligaments.”

“Strong showing.” Louis clatters around on his crutches. “Need to sit. Living room’s second door on the left.”

“Got it.” 

When Louis leaves the room, the air leaves Nick’s lungs in a rush and it’s all he can do to keep it together.

**//THEN**

“Evening, mate.” Louis standing in Nick’s doorway with a pack of beer and a defiant look on his face makes everything a bit too real.

“Evening.” Nick lets Louis in and tries to stop Pig from immediately jumping up. Louis doesn’t seem to mind though, fussing over her and cooing in a way Nick shouldn’t find charming but does. “Pig, meet Louis. Louis, meet Pig. She’s a bit excited. Think she can smell the food.”

“Is that right, Pig? Hiya. Hi, girl.” Louis gets an enthusiastic lick from Pig and he laughs, standing after giving her another pat on the head. “I like her.”

“Of course you do. Pig’s amazing.” Nick pats Pig’s head and lets her nuzzle him before she trots off somewhere else. He takes the beer off Louis and puts the cans in the fridge. “Fancy a drink?”

“Beer, please.” 

“Here.” Nick grabs two bottles that are already chilled and opens them. He gestures to the living room. “We’ve got a bit of time before dinner yet. Want to sit?”

“Yeah.” Louis takes a long gulp of his beer. “Is there anywhere I can have a fag?”

“Outside. I’ll come with.” Nick opens the patio door and Pig barrels out, sniffing at the flowers and bushes and wagging her tail happily. He lights his own cigarette and watches as Louis does the same. “So, this is weird.”

Louis stares at Nick. “Is that meant to make it less weird?”

Nick grins and shrugs. “Sorry. It is though, isn’t it?”

“Suppose.” Louis takes another deep drag on his cigarette and the silence stretches between them. It gives Nick time to take in Louis’ outfit. He looks good. Like he’s maybe gone to a bit of effort to do his hair for Nick and put on another one of his blazers. The sort that fit just right and nip in at the waist. He’s got on a Nirvana vest under the blazer and some dark jeans and shoes. He looks good. Nick’s fucked, honestly.

“I didn’t know about the bloke thing.” Nick glances at Louis who pointedly doesn’t look at him.

“It’s new.”

“Oh.” Nick stares at Louis. “How new?”

Louis meets Nick’s eyes and his chin tips. His cheeks are lightly flushed and Nick can’t tell if it’s the cool night air or if Louis is embarrassed. “Very.”

“Okay.” Nick doesn’t get the impression Louis’ going to expand on that and he’s not sure he wants him to because it seems a bit pushy to ask about Louis’ sexual history before asking about his day. “Good day?”

Louis huffs with laughter. He takes another drag of his cigarette and gives Nick a look. “Watched the telly. Played a game of footie. You’re really bad at this, mate.”

Nick bristles and he glares at Louis. “Bit rude, after I made you dinner and everything.”

“Sorry.” Louis doesn’t sound sorry. He stubs out his cigarette and puts the butt in Nick’s makeshift plant pot ashtray. “I thought it’d be different. With a bloke.”

“Different how?” Nick frowns at Louis.

“Dunno.” Louis doesn’t look up. “Less wining and dining. I feel like a girl.”

Nick snorts. “If you were I wouldn’t be wining and dining you. Besides, it’s just chicken casserole. Not exactly Michelin star.”

“I like chicken,” Louis says. Nick resists the urge to say _I know_.

“Did you reckon I got you round here to have a shag or summat?”

Louis stands and meets Nick’s gaze. He looks defiant, like he’s trying to be brave or deliberately difficult. “Might have done.”

The fact that Louis thought that and came anyway is a lot to take in. Nick clears his throat. “Thought you didn’t kiss on the first date?”

Louis grins at Nick, sharp and cheeky. “A boy can’t change his mind?”

“He can change his mind.” Nick puts out his cigarette and steps closer to Louis. He crowds into Louis’ space and brushes his fingers over Louis’ belly which is warm beneath the thin t-shirt. He unplucks the button of Louis’ jacket slowly and gets a hand on Louis’ waist and the other on the nape of his neck. Louis almost vibrates in his arms, like he’s full of all this pent up energy and Nick’s the only one that can release it. He smells good, too. Just like he did on the X-Factor. It’s not just the cologne, it’s the pulse of Louis’ heart and the faintest scent of Louis himself that sends Nick’s senses into overdrive. He loves how Louis smells, loves how he fits just right when he’s flush against Nick and looking confused, uncertain and like he’s caught between bolting and snogging Nick’s face off. “You changing it?”

“Might be.” Louis’ voice is rough, low and it trembles at the edges. 

Nick tugs Louis closer and slides the hand on the nape of Louis’ neck into his hair. If Louis wants to know what two lads get up to – because Nick has a sneaking, wonderful suspicion this might be his first kiss with another man – he’s going to give him a taste. Just a small taste, or that’s the intention. Nick knows he can kiss. Knows he’s good at it, because people always say he is and he’s had a lot of practice. He doesn’t go for soft and gentle. He goes for a very Nick sort of kiss, firm and searching and cutting right to the chase. He wants to give Louis all the things Nick felt when he had his first kiss with a bloke. The thrill of the same kind of body against yours, the rush of things finally, _finally_ clicking into place and the inexplicable rightness of it all. The tug, the push and pull and the passion. The throaty groans and rough yanking at one another’s clothing. Nick doesn’t treat Louis gently or softly. He pours all of the desire that’s been pent up inside him since that first hug into the kiss.

Nick hopes it does the trick and feels a bit smug about it all when Louis kisses back with determined fervour. What he doesn’t anticipate is his own reaction when Louis fucking _whimpers_ into his mouth. A choked off sound caught at the back of Louis’ throat as he clutches at Nick and tries to get closer. That’s a lot on its own but then Louis speaks into the kiss, his words hot breath in Nick’s mouth and against his lips.

“Nick…Nick, _please_.”

Nick never thought those _tearing clothes off_ kisses in the films were real. He’s had moments of trying to get to the good bits quickly enough that it becomes a bit grabby and forceful, but he hasn’t had that desire before to pin someone against a wall and strip them bare. He’s already thinking about every last, filthy thing he wants to do with Louis and it’s dizzying and brilliant. He manoeuvres them back against the patio door, holding Louis against it and moving his hands. He shifts the hand in Louis’ hair to his jeans and rubs the heel of it against the hard length that strains against the material. It’s not enough. He wants to taste Louis, wants to do everything all at once. 

He kisses Louis’ neck, shoving his other hand underneath Louis’ t-shirt to keep him pressed back against the patio door and to feel the heat of his skin in the cool evening air. The sounds Louis makes. The fucking _sounds_. It’s overwhelming how the pulse and throb of Louis’ body makes Nick feel. He slides the zipper on Louis’ jeans down and works open the buckle and the belt. It’s not easy with one hand but Nick’s alright at getting blokes out of their jeans. It’s not his first time, even if it’s one of the few times he’s felt so desperate and so fingers and thumbs about it all. When Nick gets his hand on Louis through the material of his cotton pants he groans and sucks on Louis’ neck. Louis is so hard. So hard and pushing into Nick’s hand, hauling him closer and kissing him with messy, broken kisses. Nick can’t help himself. He has to work Louis’ trousers and pants down over the curve of his gorgeous arse. He gets Louis bare from the waist to the middle of his thighs and he presses his fingers into the flesh of Louis’ arse, pulling him nearer. With everything he does, Louis seems to lose it just a little bit more with broken off sounds that Nick chases away with kiss after kiss swallowing every moment of Louis’ pleasure. He gets his fingers around Louis – wishes he had lube to get him slick and messy but has no intention of stopping what they’re doing. He wanks Louis off, not slowly or teasing but firmly as he kisses Louis hard until with one final shout Louis comes and spills all over his belly and Nick’s fist.

Nick kisses Louis through his climax and strokes his cock until he knows it’s just on the cusp of too sensitive. He unbuttons his own jeans and shoves his hand inside, groaning at the first firm stroke of his hand over his cock.

“Are you…?” Louis’ voice is rough and wrecked.

“Yeah. Yeah, so hot Louis.”

“Fuck. That’s… _fuck_.” Louis groans and he stops Nick’s hand which is rude because Nick’s so ready to come it’s unbelievable. 

“Want to see you do it properly. Do it on me.”

Nick wets his lips, swiping his tongue across them and his cock gives an enthusiastic twitch at the thought. Louis looks wrecked, with his lips plump and well-kissed and his eyes hazy. Nick can see the moment Louis starts to come round and the flush which travels from his neck to his cheeks. Louis gets that look which suggests he’s going to say something dickish because he’s embarrassed. Nick shakes his head at him and switches their positions, so Nick’s resting against the patio door. “Want to get on your knees, darling? Nice and close.”

Louis swallows, his Adam’s apple working. In the end he nods. “Suppose I should. You did make dinner.”

“Exactly.” Nick watches as Louis sinks to his knees and god he wishes he could capture this moment on his phone. Louis looks up and Nick takes a gentle hold of his chin, brushing his thumb against Louis’ hot cheek. “Look at you. Bloody gorgeous.”

Louis makes another of those sounds, low in his throat. “Get on with it, Nicholas.”

Nick grins and he pushes his trousers down a bit so he can fist his cock properly. He can see Louis taking in the size, the length and licking his lips like maybe he wants to taste. Nick’s tempted to push for it. Tempted to have Louis suck him off but he’s so close already. His breath is heavy and fractured and he pulls Louis closer with a hand in his hair, rubbing the head of his cock against Louis’ lips. As if on cue, Louis parts his lips and flicks his tongue over Nick’s cock and _fuck_. “Close.” Nick grits his teeth and he presses a thumb into Louis’ mouth which gets an enthusiastic sucking which brings Nick over the edge. He comes with a low _ungh_ of appreciation and coats Louis’ lips and cheeks with his come. It’s divine, seeing Louis blink up at Nick with a look caught somewhere between embarrassment and arousal. Nick helps Louis up and swipes his thumb through the mess he made on Louis’ cheeks.

“Messy,” Nick confirms. He brushes his lips against the corner of Louis’ mouth, tasting his own come.

“You’re a pervert,” Louis replies. He sounds pretty happy about it, all things considered. Nick squeezes his backside.

“More what you expected?”

“Dunno.” Louis shrugs as he buttons his jeans and pulls the zipper up. “Got a bathroom in this place, mate?”

“Yeah.” Nick tucks himself away too. “I’ll show you.” He brings Pig inside and she curls up for a snooze on her favourite rug. He shows Louis the bathroom and leans in the doorway. “Want to borrow some joggers?”

“Can do.” Louis slips off his jacket revealing the slim lines of his collarbone and the ridiculous tattoos on his arms. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” Nick disappears to the bedroom and hands Louis some joggers. “I’ll just, err, get the dinner ready?”

“Alright.” Louis closes the bathroom door and Nick takes a breath, thinking it’s already been a very strange sort of evening.

**//NOW**

“I don’t know if you remember me,” Nick starts. He’s clutching onto his mug of tea like a lifeline because he wants to go over to Louis so badly. He looks so much like _Nick’s_ Louis with his hair all soft and a blanket next to him as he props his leg on a chair and contemplates Nick. He wants to tell Louis he should put the blanket over himself if it’s comfy. He doesn’t have to feel weird in front of Nick.

Louis taps his lip with his finger, pretending to be thinking. “Obviously, I remember. You’re Zayn, aren’t you?”

Nick snorts with laughter. “Twat.” It also makes him a bit sad. He suspects Zayn hasn’t been to see Louis and he hasn’t been sending any public messages like the other boys. He knows that’s got to smart, even if Louis does his usual trick of pretending he doesn’t care.

Louis gives Nick a look that says Nick’s an idiot. “I’ve lost about six to eight months they reckon. Good timing now I don’t have a job anymore.”

Nick doesn’t miss the edge of bitterness to Louis’ words. “Haz told me.”

“Did he?” Louis doesn’t ask why Nick cares. He shrugs. “He’s gone off to write his album.”

“Isn’t anyone looking after you?” Nick looks around the living room with a few discarded crisp packets, a lone sock chucked on a chair in the corner and several mugs of tea that look like they’ve been there for a couple of days.

“I’ve got people I can call.” Louis presses his lips into a firm line as if he doesn’t appreciating being called out on his mess. “Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but what the fuck are you doing here?”

Nick tries not to get the hump. It’s not Louis’ fault that Nick’s a total mess. He practices the deep breathing that he learned in yoga and tries not to lose his fucking mind.

“We had a thing,” Nick says. 

“No we didn’t.” Louis stares at Nick and his cheeks turn pink. 

“Thanks. That feels great.” Nick tries not to snap but he’s not sure he manages. “You started it, if you’re wondering. So don’t give me that _I’d rather put needles in my knob_ look.”

“What sort of thing?” Louis’ voice gets sharper like he’s a minute away from throwing Nick out of his house.

“A _thing_. We didn’t put a label on it because I’m shit at talking about stuff like that and you are too, by the way. We started texting after that night you were on X-Factor. The last one. We were still together when…” Nick trails off. He can’t quite bring himself to say it out loud because thinking about Louis getting hurt still hits him like a sledgehammer, a dull noise in his head. 

“Before I got beaten up for being queer?” Louis winces and he rubs his temple. “Their words. No offence.”

“None taken.” Nick is offended, though. He’s offended and scared and so, so desperate for Louis to remember it makes his body tremble. “You were supposed to come back to mine. Pig was waiting.” Louis probably doesn’t even remember Pig. Doesn’t know she slept with one of his trainers for a whole week after Louis stopped coming over. Nick can’t stop shaking. The noise in his head gets louder and his chest tightens.

“Nick.” Louis sounds worried and Nick shakes his head.

“Fine. It’s fine.” Nick takes a puff on his inhaler and when he looks up, Louis is giving him the strangest look. “Asthma.”

“No shit.” Louis wrinkles his brow. “You’re not going to die on me, are you?”

Nick laughs, and it sounds a bit hysterical because if only Louis knew. “Nope. All fine.” He bangs his fist against his chest like he’s Tarzan. “I’m not lying. I can show you the texts if you need proof or summat.”

Louis looks confused. “They took my phone. Had to block it so I lost all the numbers, texts and stuff.”

“I know.” Nick asked Harry if Louis had been able to get his phone back and that was a weird and specific conversation to have about someone you’re not supposed to be bothered about. Harry just told Nick and didn’t push. He wonders if maybe Harry suspects, but his head’s been too fucked up to worry about finer details like that. He trusts Harry to know Nick will tell him anything important when he’s ready.

“Sorry.” Louis shrugs, still looking uncertain.

“I know you said being bi was recent. You might not be anymore. I’m not here to make you…” Nick’s breathing goes wonky again and Louis wobbles onto his crutches.

“Nick. Christ’s sake, _Nick_.”

“S’okay.”

“No it’s not, you idiot.” Louis flops onto the sofa by Nick and mutters a curse and he looks so alive but so broken up with his gorgeous face right there, looking up at Nick like he’s actually worried about him. “Listen – just listen, will you?”

Nick nods. He stops himself from reaching for Louis but only just.

Louis takes a breath and he looks small, scared and confused. Nick wants to touch the bruise on his eye so much. He wants to kiss it better because he can tell Louis is shit at taking care of himself as per always and pretending nothing hurts when everything probably does.

“I don’t remember.” Louis shakes his head as if there’s a fog that needs clearing. “I don’t remember _you_ not like that.” He looks up and meets Nick’s eyes and he looks wrecked. “I don’t remember finding a label for it but I know I like lads, too. I’ve known for a while. Just haven’t said it out loud or done anything about it before. You reckon you’d just wake up with amnesia and forget you’re gay?” Louis laughs but there’s no humour in it. “Dickhead. You know it’s not how it works.”

“Oh.” Nick swallows. “I thought you might want to forget.”

Louis looks angry. “You did, did you?”

Nick winces because he’s completely fucking this up. “I dunno.”

Louis folds his arms which means he’s not impressed. Nick doesn’t miss the way he has to breathe a bit more carefully around the bruising or the fact his movements are slower than usual. Louis looks tired, close up. Really fucking tired. Nick wants to cuddle him so badly. “Must have thought a lot of me, then. Did you think I’d get bashed in the head and avoid lads for the rest of my life, so it wouldn’t happen again?”

“No.” Nick swallows. Louis’ ballsy. Ballsy, feisty and far too fucking confrontational for his own good. “But you could.” Nick knows it’s shit to suggest being in the closet is an easy choice, because it’s not. He’s not even sure what he’s doing apart from making an even bigger mess of everything.

Louis stares at him, looking thoroughly displeased. “Really?” 

Nick shrugs. He doesn’t know what to say. “Would be easier, wouldn’t it? If it doesn’t matter if it’s a bloke or a girl.” He doesn’t know why he’s saying this. Doesn’t know why he’s being some kind of biphobic asshole instead of on his hands and fucking knees begging Louis to come back to him. He just doesn’t want to be the reason for this. He doesn’t care how many people call him all the terrible things under the sun, he just wants Louis to be safe and not to hurt. Not ever again.

Louis rolls his eyes. “Well you obviously can’t wait to be out of it.”

“No.” Nick swallows to keep himself from screaming. “ _No._ I’ve missed you so fucking much and I know everything I’m saying is stupid and shit. I just don’t want you hurt.” Tears prick at Nick’s eyes and he has to stop talking so his voice doesn’t waver. “I just want you safe.”

Louis stares at Nick and doesn’t say anything for long enough that even Nick’s nostrils feel like they’re sweating.

“Did we do stuff?”

Nick frowns at Louis, because that’s a pretty swift change of subject. “Like, sex?”

Louis nods. “Yeah. Like _sex_.”

“Obviously.” Nick doesn’t get where Louis’ going with this.

“Did I tell you, you were my first bloke?” Louis doesn’t look at Nick. “Dunno if I would have done. Because you would have been, unless I was putting it about before that. Maybe that’s why they came after me.”

“Don’t.” Nick’s words get tight in his throat. “You weren’t, but even if you were off to those orgies in Vauxhall every night it wouldn’t matter. No one deserves to get beaten up.” 

“You’d know all about those orgies, I bet.” Louis glares at Nick, which is ridiculous because Nick can technically do whatever he wants as his sort-of boyfriend doesn’t even remember enjoying a pleasant conversation with him, let alone anything else.

“Give over.” Nick pauses. “You told me it was just me. I believed you.”

“Was it that shit?” Louis glances at Nick and the pink spots in his cheeks are darker now. “Thanks.”

“Not because of that.” Because you were scared even though you pretended you weren’t. I could feel you shake and come apart and we tried all these things that were new to you and it was _perfect_. The best. Best ever. Nick takes a breath and doesn’t say any of those things, because emotions should be put in a box and kept hidden away forever. “Just stuff you said when we tried things. Would have been a bit of a weird act to keep up.”

“Oh.” Louis holds his hand out. “Can I see them texts?”

“Yeah. You sent the first one to yourself from my phone. That’s how it started.” Nick lets out another shaky breath and hands Louis his phone after unlocking it and scrolling back to that very first _legend_. Nick didn’t delete a single one. There are so many, including plenty of dirty ones which his cheeks get warm thinking about. Thank god he’s not the sort to send people pictures of his knob. 

Louis shuffles into a more comfortable position, putting his cast on the coffee table. The light from the phone illuminates the bruising on his face and with his forehead etched in a frown, he begins to scroll.

**//THEN**

Nick’s dinner is excellent, despite his fretting. The casserole is delicious and Louis tucks in to the warm, fresh bread and mops up the sauce with generous chunks. They stick to beer when Louis pulls a face at Nick’s wine and they manage to have a half-decent conversation about the hiatus and things up North that feel like familiar territory.

It’s the end of the meal that gets awkward, when everything’s tidied away and it’s a bit _what next_? Louis doesn’t look like he’s dying to get away, but then Nick’s not sure how to take it from _did you enjoy the chicken?_ to _do you maybe want to come to bed and let me make you come again?_ It’s also weird seeing Louis in his joggers. They’re a bit long but they look good on him. They look right, like Louis is meant to be in Nick’s clothes and hanging around his house playing with Pig. There’s something intimate about seeing Louis in his clothes. Something that makes him a bit territorial and possessive which is unexpected and inconvenient considering Nick’s spent less than twenty-four hours in the same room as Louis and is already feeling the kind of things that usually have him running away from the situation before anyone (Nick, mainly) gets hurt.

“Thanks for the meal.” Louis comes back from his cigarette, his hands in the pockets of Nick’s joggers. It brings them low on his hips and Nick wants to run his fingers against the bit of exposed skin. He wants to stretch Louis out and taste him properly when they’re not freezing their knobs off outside with Pig sniffing around and the risk of nosy neighbours getting an eyeful.

“Welcome.” Nick worries at his hair and Louis just stands there, uncertain. “Do you have to get back?”

Louis frowns at Nick. “Yeah. I’m having a party at mine. Decided to get a free feed here then not invite you.”

A smile tugs at Nick’s lips. “Seems like something you’d do.”

“Yeah.” Louis flicks his tongue over his lips and moves a bit closer to Nick. There’s something intense in his gaze. Something watchful and a question behind his light words. “I’m a bit of a dick like that.”

Nick closes the distance between them, close enough now to touch the sliver of skin that’s been driving him mental. It’s warm beneath his fingertips. He lowers his head to breathe Louis in, brushing his lips against Louis’ neck. “Reckon you should skip the party. It’s gonna be rubbish if I’m not there. We can have a party of our own right here.”

“A party?” Louis sounds amused and a bit breathless. His fingers find the buttons on Nick’s shirt and begin to play with them. “Can’t have a party with two people.”

Nick brushes his lips against Louis’ and murmurs against his lips. “Can, actually. Come to bed and I’ll show you.”

Louis pushes Nick back and he laughs, his eyes bright. “Are you always this fucking cheesy?”

Nick grins at Louis and nods. “Quite proud of it actually.”

“You’re a dickhead.” Still laughing, Louis makes his way through the house towards the bedroom. Nick might have known Louis was having a nosy while Nick slaved over the stove like a nineteen forties housewife. He’s a cheeky little shit, Louis is.

A cheeky little shit who makes Nick smile broad enough to hurt. 

With a put-upon sigh, Nick follows Louis into the bedroom and tries to ignore the flip in his stomach and the way Louis Tomlinson has his heart skipping in his chest.

**//NOW**

It’s excruciating, watching Louis read the messages. Nick can’t help fidgeting and trying not to peer over Louis’ shoulder or start explaining some of the more ridiculous things he undoubtedly said. Louis can’t be more than a few messages in when Nick has to say something.

“Got any beer?”

“In the fridge,” Louis murmurs. He looks up, blinking at Nick. “Get us one while you’re there.”

Nick looks pointedly at the various bottles and boxes of painkillers which all undoubtedly advise against drinking alcohol. “Really?”

“One can of beer, Nick. It’s hardly like I’m asking you to take me clubbing and buy me shots of vodka.” Louis turns back to the phone as if that’s settled. Nick hovers for a moment and then does as he’s told. When he gets back, Louis seems particularly focused on the texts. His face is flushed and he’s smiling.

“Beer.” Nick opens the can and leaves it where Louis can reach it.

“Thanks.” Louis glances across at Nick, his eyes glinting. He looks like he’s up to mischief. Nick raises his eyebrows at him.

“Something on your mind, darling?”

Louis nods at the phone. “I like your knob quite a lot, don’t I?”

Nick chokes on his beer and nods when he finally composes himself. “Err…yeah.” He collects himself and sniffs, giving Louis a look. “You like the rest of me, too. Or you did. I’m more than just an excellent dick and talented fingers.” Nick wiggles them at Louis which makes his cheeks colour and it’s delightful. Nick has to remind himself there’s all this stuff Louis doesn’t remember because it feels like the most natural thing in the world to flirt with him.

“I bet.” Louis turns back to the phone and carries on reading. He sees something which makes him pause and he looks at Nick. “Was I…was I _in love_ with you?”

“You said it once.” Nick takes a breath. “The night it happened.”

“Did you say it back?” Louis gives Nick a quizzical look.

Nick shakes his head. “No. But I wanted to. I should have done. Was waiting up just to say it when you got back.”

“Oh.” Louis’ voice gets small and he hands Nick his phone back. Nick doesn’t miss the way his hand shakes. He looks even more tired now, like he’s battling against himself just to stay awake. Nick checks the time on his phone and mutters a curse.

“Shit. I didn’t mean to stay this long. You need sleep.”

“Nah.” Louis shakes his head and chokes out a laugh. “Can’t sleep properly anymore. Won’t be able to sleep after this.” 

Nick swallows and looks at the clock. It’s Friday night and he doesn’t have anywhere to be but with Louis. Doesn’t have anywhere else he wants to be, if he’s honest. “Want some company? I can take the sofa.”

Louis looks startled and he stares at Nick. After a moment he breathes out. “Suppose. If you’re alright with it. What about Pig?”

“My friend has keys, she can sort her out. I’ll text her – tell her I’ve pulled a fit lad and won’t be back tonight.”

Louis narrows his eyes. “Happen often, does it?”

“Not lately it doesn’t. Not since you if that’s what you’re asking.” Nick clears his throat. Louis thinks of Nick as a stranger to all intents and purposes, but Nick can’t help himself. He can’t help the way Louis makes him feel like his heart’s going to beat out of his chest. A wave of emotion takes his breath away because Louis – his Louis – is alive. Alive and hurt and so tired in his stupid, messy house with no one around. Louis might have people to call but he won’t call them unless his life’s depending on it, because he’s a stubborn little shit and Nick loves him. _Loves_ him. “Lou?”

Louis looks up at the wobble in Nick’s voice. “Yeah?”

“I know it’s weird, but this is all a bit weird, innit?” Nick swallows. “Don’t suppose there’s any chance of a cuddle?”

Louis’ throat works and then he nods. He starts trying to move with his heavy cast and his sore ribs and it makes a soft sound catch in Nick’s throat. Louis stops moving and watches Nick a bit like a rabbit caught in headlights. With a sigh, Nick moves close to Louis. He grabs the blanket bundled up beside them and arranges Louis in his arms. Louis stiffens at first then with a sigh, he burrows into Nick’s chest and clutches onto his t-shirt. It’s like all the tension melts away from them. Nick covers them both with the blanket and he wraps his arms carefully around Louis, stroking his hair and eliciting an _umm_ of contentment from Louis.

“Not bad, this.” Louis’ voice is thick and heavy, and his hands tighten in the cotton of Nick’s t-shirt. “Nice.”

“Yeah,” Nick struggles to breathe and he presses a kiss to Louis’ forehead just breathing him in. “Dead nice.”

When Louis starts to snore softly, Nick keeps him close until his own eyes get heavy and he lets the familiar touch and scent of Louis lull him into the easiest sleep he’s had in weeks.

**//THEN**

They take it slow. Nick doesn’t want to push Louis into something he doesn’t want and even when he’s outwardly full of sass and confidence, Nick can tell Louis’ nervous. He hovers close to the bed without actually getting on it and keeps looking at the door as if he’s planning his escape route.

Nick rolls his eyes and approaches Louis, putting his hands on his shoulders. “Relax, will you? I’m not going to just going to jump on you and fuck you. No rush.”

“I know.” Louis licks his lips. “Maybe I want to rush.” Louis pulls back, so he can look at Nick. “I know you think I don’t know what I’m doing but it’s not like I haven’t had sex before. I know what I want.”

“I’m not saying you don’t.” Nick shrugs. “If you want to do it, I’m not going to say no. Did you want to fuck me, then?”

Louis looks surprised and then thoughtful, his eyes flaring with interest. “Can I?”

“If you like.” Nick isn’t sure he wants to set a precedent because he really prefers things the other way round but it’s not like he doesn’t enjoy it on occasion and so far everything with Louis has been pretty fucking fantastic. 

“Is that how you like it?” Louis is persistent and of course he’s going to make Nick talk about his preferences – something he’s terrible at doing without lots of innuendo, giggling and a healthy amount of booze.

“I like both, but I usually top.”

“I want to try that tonight. We’ll do it the other way another time.”

“Topping?” Nick can’t help but tighten his arms around Louis at the _another time_.

“Nah. Your way.” Louis pulls off his blazer and then yanks his t-shirt over his head, going for his joggers and tugging them down. He doesn’t have on any underwear which Nick feels like he should have realised sooner. He gets onto the bed and props himself on his elbow. “Are you coming, or what?”

Nick can’t even think of a single hilarious response to _are you coming?_ because Louis is naked and stretched out on Nick’s bed. Even though he’s slim and a bit of a short-arse, Louis still takes up so much space. He fills Nick’s room with his energy and that punchy bravado that Nick suspects hides a multitude of insecurities. He’s like that himself. Fond of a loud laugh and a good joke at his own expense. It’s only when he’s alone or with really close friends that he lets that manic guard down just a little. He yanks off his clothes, stumbling slightly over the socks and then rummages in his drawer for condoms and lube before settling next to Louis.

“Hiya.” Nick urges Louis closer, brushing their lips together.

“Hi.” Nick can feel Louis’ smile against his lips and he grins back, kissing their smiles away until they’re breathless. It feels so _good_ to kiss Louis. So right to roll him back and make a path down his torso, flicking his tongue over his nipples and watching the way Louis reacts to every touch. Nick likes to take his time when he’s with a fit lad. Loves the masculine scent of a male body in his bed and likes to taste hot skin beneath his tongue. He likes it best when it gets sweaty, messy and they both try to keep hard for as long as possible. He enjoys the build-up – the salty perspiration against his lips and the way he can make men grunt and gasp beneath him. It’s been ages since he’s had a proper shag. Far too long since he enjoyed the luxury of taking his time. The problem is, Louis seems to bring out something in Nick that makes him blindingly aroused in record time. At this rate the whole fucking thing’s going to be over before it starts.

“Want to finger you open, yeah?” Nick pauses above Louis’ cock, sliding his mouth over his hard length as he waits for Louis’ reply. When it comes it’s more of an _nnurgle_ than actual words but Louis parts his legs and pushes up into Nick’s mouth (rude) so he’s going to take it as a yes. As he works over Louis’ cock with his mouth he does an awkward shuffle with one hand, trying to open the lube.

“Stop – Nick – gonna…” Louis tugs at Nick’s hair and forces Nick to slide off his cock. His chest rises and falls and there are already light beads of perspiration on his torso. “Too close.”

“Okay.” Nick slicks his fingers and presses a chaste kiss to Louis’ hipbone. “Let's take a breather.”

“Thanks.” Louis breathes out and relaxes onto the bed. 

“You want to do it on your hands and knees? It’s easier, the first time.”

“Yeah.” Louis gets up dutifully, surprisingly compliant when he’s horny. The position is excellent, largely because it gives Nick a brilliant view of Louis’ very fine bum. He spends a moment running his fingers over it, before kissing down Louis’ spine. As Nick moves lower, Louis freezes and he pulls away. “Nick?” His voice is slightly squeaky.

“Yeah?”

“Umm…what the fuck are you doing?”

Nick strokes his fingers over Louis’ backside before gripping his waist and bringing him close to Nick again. “Was going to eat you out. Rim you.”

Louis pulls away again. “Don’t think so, mate. You don’t want your tongue in my arse.”

Nick makes a non-committal sound. “I do, actually. I quite like doing that. You’re all showered anyway, aren’t you?”

Louis makes a strangled sound. “I’m not sure I’m _you should put your tongue in my arse_ showered.”

Nick grins and gives Louis’ backside a light smack which makes him groan and press back towards Nick. “Alright. Shall we stick to fingers and do the rimming thing in the shower in the morning?”

“Yeah.” Louis pauses and presses his backside up. “Fingers and your dick.”

“Anything you say, darling.” Nick rubs his fingers against Louis’ hole watching as he shivers at the touch. 

“Does it feel good?” Louis drops onto his elbows and it gives Nick an even better view. “The tongue, thing?”

“Feels brilliant.”

“Do you like it, too?” Louis sounds a bit uncertain and Nick laughs.

“Yeah, but I’m not going to be, like, expecting you to put your tongue up my arse if you don’t want. It’s fine. I can live without it.”

“Want to try it. In the shower like you said.” Louis seems about to start something else, but Nick slides his finger into him and his words get cut off with a muttered curse.

“Okay, love?” Nick slides his finger out then back in again, letting Louis get used to it.

“Yeah, don’t stop.” Louis presses back and it’s a litany of gorgeous, glorious sounds and sighs. Nick takes his time, making sure he uses plenty of lube which leaves Louis panting and pushing back for more. Nick’s pleased Louis likes this. Pleased because he likes doing it as more than just prep for other things. He likes bringing someone off with his fingers, sucking them deep into his throat and making them come when Nick’s fingers are buried deep inside them. He loves the way Louis gets into it, takes his time to learn his body and works out where exactly to apply pressure – when to go soft and when to fuck Louis into a frenzy.

When Nick finally puts on the condom and slicks his cock, he has to squeeze the base and count to five because _Louis_. He looks good enough to eat, spread out on his hands and knees just waiting for Nick to take him. There’s something about the sight of him that makes Nick’s chest hurt. Something the tremble which travels through his body when Nick kisses the base of his spine that makes it more intense. It shouldn’t be so intimate fucking someone on their hands and knees, but it is. When Nick sinks inside Louis’ body it’s almost too much. He has to take a moment before he pulls Louis back into him and watches himself slide out of Louis and then back in again with another deep push. He takes Louis’ cock in his slick hand and moves in time with his thrusts, bringing Louis closer and closer until he cries out Nick’s name and comes with a shout, his body flexing and tightening around Nick.

With a low growl, Nick finishes inside Louis shortly after and tries to avoid collapsing over Louis’ back. It’s so good. So _fucking_ good. He’s spent, wrung out and most disconcerting of all is the desire to kiss Louis which burns through him more fiercely than his earlier arousal.

Nick slips out of Louis and rolls him over, moving over Louis’ body and kissing him soundly. Louis winds his arms around Nick and kisses back with equal fervour. Nick can’t help but wonder if this is what it feels like to be a drowning man that never wants to come up for air.

**//NOW**

When Nick wakes up his stomach grumbles and he’s got pins and needles in his side. Louis is still curled against him, hot and warm against Nick’s body. Nick shifts slightly and tries to dislodge his arm to get some feeling back into it. 

“Lou?”

“Sleeping.” Louis rubs his eyes. “Comfy.”

“Should get you to bed, though. Won’t feel too good in the morning.” Nick gentle rouses Louis until he’s properly awake, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and staring at Nick. For a moment he looks at Nick like – like maybe he remembers – but then he frowns and it passes as quickly as it came. Nick feels suddenly awkward, cuddling up to Louis and taking liberties he hasn’t earned. “I’ve got the car. Only had one beer, I can drive home if you like.”

Louis frowns again and he shakes his head. “Thought you were staying?”

“On the sofa?” Nick nods, brushing Louis’ hair back from his forehead and letting out a shaky breath as he thumbs very gently at the bruising beneath Louis’ eye. Christ. _Louis_. “Can do, if you’re sure it’s no bother.”

“No bother.” Louis looks as if he wants to say something else, pulling himself into a sitting position. “But you don’t have to sleep on the sofa. I haven’t been able to sleep properly for ages. Think it helps, having someone.”

“Okay, love.” Nick squeezes Louis’ hand. “Whatever you want.”

“Bed, I think.” Louis winces as he slides the leg in plaster into a vertical position. “Pins and needles. It itches to fuck too. Gets numb and sore, like it’s too big for the cast or something.”

Nick frowns because that doesn’t sound right at all. “Let’s see your toes.”

Louis gives Nick a look, wiggling his perfectly normal coloured toes. “I’ve read the leaflets, Nick. Got into a bit of a panic after the first couple of times but they said it’s fine. It’s normal.”

“Okay.” Nick feels a bit reassured by the toe-wiggling and the fact Louis doesn’t look like his circulation has gone wonky. He stands and hands Louis his crutches, bending to help Louis up to standing. 

“Thanks.” Louis doesn’t seem keen to move from Nick’s arms. He looks up at him, sleepy, soft and so breathtakingly lovely it makes Nick want to never let him go. “I remember fancying you, by the way. I remember that.”

“Wait, what?” Nick stares at Louis who rolls his eyes, a small smile tugging at his lips.

“Bet I never told you that.”

“Definitely didn’t tell me that. Not so much as a _used to think you were fit, Grim_.” Nick keeps his arms around Louis under the pretence that Louis probably needs holding up even though it’s looks as though he’s got one of those plaster casts you’re supposed to be able to walk on.

“Why the fuck would I text myself from your phone if I didn’t fancy you?” Louis gives Nick the _you’re an idiot_ look again.

“Dunno.” Nick shrugs. “Right place, right time? That _was_ a good jacket too.”

“I bet it was a terrible jacket, knowing you.” Louis grins, softening any impact from his words. It’s easy, this. Like the teasing they used to do that would leave Nick smiling and whistling love songs on his way to work. “Don’t reckon I’d have decided to lose my lad virginity over some poncy jacket.”

Nick swallows, because it’s a lot of information to process. He thinks about his Twitter spats with Louis and the odd dickish comment when they bumped into each other at industry events. “You’re the sort that used to pull girls pigtails when you fancied them, aren’t you?”

Louis laughs. He gives Nick’s hair a tug, tangling his fingers in it. “Might have. Can’t believe it actually worked. Got to have sex with you and everything. Lots of it if those texts are anything to go by.”

“Menace.” Nick cups Louis’ face so gently. He brushes his thumbs over Louis’ cheeks and then he leans in, kissing him softly. Louis responds to Nick, pushing closer against him. It’s nothing like that first mad, heady kiss but Louis makes the same swallowed-back sound in his throat. He has the same light tremble that runs through his body, the same gasp of Nick’s name falling from his lips. Nick breaks the kiss slowly, feeling a bit dazed. Maybe it wasn’t just the _first lad_ thing or Nick being so good at showing Louis a proper _two men getting off together_ sort of kiss. Maybe it was just Nick. 

“I’m still in love with you, by the way.” Nick lets himself say it, finally. He takes in the wide-eyed stare from Louis and he puts his arms around Louis again. “I don’t expect you to do anything with that, but you should know.”

“Okay.” Louis takes a breath and he holds Nick tighter. “Take me to bed, will you?”

Nick isn’t sure if it’s a _take me to bed_ kind of take me to bed, but he doesn’t care if it’s just helping Louis to hobble into the room or stretching out together like they used to. All he knows is that kissing Louis feels like coming home and for the first time since the attack the cracks in his broken heart knit together, just a little.

**//THEN**

“I can’t find my Vans.” Louis yells at Nick from the bedroom and Nick’s about three steps away from throttling him. He’s already had to clean up from last night’s cheese on toast, his silk shirt is totally fucked after Louis decided to dump it in the wash with a load of tea towels and joggers and everywhere he looks there’s some kind of Louis-related mess. It feels like all they do is argue about unwashed crockery and why the floor isn’t a laundry basket.

“Maybe if you weren’t such a filthy little monster you might be able to find them.” Nick watches Louis turn his carefully tidied room upside down. Nick likes having a nice house. He likes having things decorative touches, cool art work and a bed with clean sheets and fresh flowers all over the place. He doesn’t appreciate Louis throwing socks and pants everywhere on his Van-related quest. “You’re determined to destroy my house.”

“Sorry.” Louis stops upending everything and makes a terrible attempt at organising things. “I wouldn’t have to if you didn’t tidy everything away.” He sounds pissed off and it makes Nick want to yell at him.

Nick grits his teeth. “It’s _my house_. Excuse me if I would prefer it didn’t look like I’m living with some university students during Fresher’s Week.”

Louis huffs and starts banging drawers and wrenching open cupboards. “I’ll go out tonight then fuck off out of your hair if it’s such a chore having me around. Wouldn’t want to ruin the poncy hipster look with my stuff or anything.”

Nick’s heart clenches because he _does_ want Louis’ stuff in his house. He wants more of it. Ordered a Donny Rovers keychain for the keys he just had cut and everything. He was going to ask at some point when he plucked up the nerve if Louis might want to stay a few more nights. A few more days. Nick’s always been terrible at moving slowly and it’s been six months since the X-Factor. Six months since Louis texted himself from Nick’s phone and turned Nick’s whole world upside down. They have plans, for Louis to come out. They talk about places they want to see and it’s always together. Not _I’m going to fuck off travelling and leave you behind_. More _I’m going back to L.A. for a few weeks, got any holiday left?_

“Lou…”

“It’s _fine_ , where the fuck are my fucking trainers?” Louis breathes out and sits on the bed, not looking at Nick. There’s been something up with Louis for the past fortnight. Something about the way he snaps at Nick and looks more tired than usual. Something not quite right, not quite okay. It makes Nick’s chest tight and all he can think about is how the fuck he’s going to cope when Louis eventually leaves him which he almost certainly will. 

Nick leaves the room and goes to rummage around for the keys. Eventually he finds them and comes back with them in his pocket. Louis hasn’t moved. He’s just sitting on the edge of the bed with socks all around him, looking lost.

“Hey.” Nick sits next to him, staring at their feet together. Louis in sports socks, Nick without any on at all. His ankles look weird and his feet are knobbly but Louis seems to like it when Nick’s comfortable in ripped jeans rolled up past his ankles and bare feet. Nick nudges Louis with his toes and Louis chokes back a laugh.

“You and your alien feet.”

“Yeah.” Nick slips a tentative arm around Louis and rummages in his pocket, getting the keys out. “Got you summat.”

“Yeah?” Louis takes the keys from Nick’s hand. He turns them over in his hands and studies the keyring for a long while before speaking. When he does, his voice is choked and his words tumble out of him. “Even with my mess and stuff?”

Nick’s heart gets too big for his chest and he nods, keeping Louis close. “Even if you leave out all the dirty dishes and shrink my favourite YSL jumper, darling.”

“Nick…” Louis gets that serious voice that leaves icy fingers clutching at Nick’s heart. The kind of voice that sounds like _I can’t do this anymore_.

“Mmm?” Nick doesn’t trust himself to speak.

“I thought you were going to ask me to go, maybe. That’s why I’ve been such a twat. Thought it would be easier if I could stop liking you so much.”

“Oh.” Nick kisses Louis slowly, then. “Not going to ask you to go. Going to ask you to stay, actually.”

Louis kisses Nick back and it gets a bit handsy and breathless as it often does with them. Louis pulls back and his eyes shine. “I love you, you knob.”

Nick’s heart jumps and he kisses Louis firmly, pushing him back on the bed with _I love you, I love you, I love you too_ spinning around in his head and hates that his lips that won’t let him say it back.

**//NOW**

Nick watches Louis battle with pillows to arrange them beneath his cast before rolling his eyes and taking over. “Let me do that.”

“I can do it myself,” Louis says.

“I know, but I want to help.” Nick lets Louis settle on his back, watching Nick warily. Nick kneels on the end of the bed and lifts Louis’ leg gently, putting two pillows beneath it and then settling it back on the bed.

“Too hot.” Louis’ cheeks do look flushed, but Nick has an inkling it’s got nothing to do with the heat in the room. It’s cold, for a start. “Can’t sleep in these.” Louis gestures to his joggers and Nick swallows, because Louis _I can do it myself_ Tomlinson isn’t asking Nick for help because he needs it. It’s because he wants something else he doesn’t know how to ask for because he doesn’t know Nick anymore. Doesn’t know that he only has to give Nick the right kind of look and they’re stretched out on the sofa bringing one another off before Nick can say _do you want a hand with that?_

Nick shifts higher on the bed so he’s between Louis’ legs and he brushes his fingers over the waist of Louis’ tracksuit bottoms. “You want me to help you take them off?”

Louis doesn’t say yes, just nods. His breathing is already a little unsteady and Nick can see he’s getting hard. Nick slides his fingers under Louis’ t-shirt and Louis sucks in a sharp breath before he grips Nick’s wrist, his voice low.

“Nick…”

“Yes, love?” Nick wants to be so careful with Louis. Doesn’t want to hurt him. Doesn’t want to push.

“I don’t remember it. I don’t remember doing any of this before.” Louis sounds wretched and Nick keeps his fingers splayed on Louis’ warm torso.

“Okay.” He wonders whether that means Louis doesn’t want to or if he thinks Nick is going to move too fast. “We don’t have to do anything. We can just sleep. You tell me. Tell me what you want.”

“I don’t know what I want.” Louis scrubs at his eyes. “I don’t know anymore. I want you to…I want to…but I don’t even know what I _like_.”

Nick’s heart breaks a bit at that and he slips his hands from beneath Louis’ t-shirt, running his fingers lightly against Louis’ thigh. “I…I do, though. I know what you like. Or what you tell me you like.”

“Tell me?” Louis moves his hands from his eyes and his voice is low. “Tell me.”

Nick exhales and he curls his fingers into a ball to stop them from shaking. He closes his eyes and thinks of all those brilliant, wonderful things he’s done with Louis. _His_ Louis. He thinks of the conversations they’ve had over too much booze – both shit at talking about what they like when it errs close to kinky unless there’s a decent amount of alcohol involved. Louis would know Nick’s terrible at talking about the things they get up to and much, much better at doing. Louis would know if he remembered those moments. Would know they’re more about feeling their way around things and talking after in those hazy moments when the lights are low and they’re damp with sweat, still high from feeling. That’s when they’re able to say what they want out loud. They’re much better at talking in the middle of a heady, desperate clinch when they whisper not-so-sweet nothings and it’s rough and urgent, sex, sweat and need. It’s a lot, being entrusted with this. To tell Louis what he likes. Nick could lie. He could make up something he’s always wanted to do, and pretend Louis likes it too. He wouldn’t, of course. He wouldn’t ever do that, but the fact Louis trusts him not to gives him hope that maybe somewhere in Louis’ brain is the not-quite-there-yet memory of a past when Nick earned that trust.

“You trust me?” Nick wants to make absolutely certain Louis understands what he’s asking. “I could tell you anything.”

Louis narrows his eyes and studies Nick. He reads him, focusing on him with an intensity that makes Nick nervous. Eventually, Louis relaxes and his lips tug into a smile. “You won’t. Even you’re not that much of a twat.”

The air in the room gets lighter and Nick laughs, squeezing his fingers around Louis’ thigh. “Alright. I’m shit at talking dirty, though. So don’t expect any of that.”

“I won’t.” Louis shrugs and he focuses on Nick. “Just tell me. I want to know.”

“Okay.” Nick decides to start with the obvious. “We’ve done it both ways but I’m usually on top. I prefer it and I think that you do too, even though the other way feels brilliant.”

“Yeah.” Louis’ cheeks look hot. “I thought so.” 

Nick raises an eyebrow at him because _god_ that means Louis might have thought about it before. Thought about Nick fucking him. He takes a breath and strokes his fingers against Louis’ stomach again, just to feel skin against skin. “You like being fingered.”

“I bet,” Louis says. He sounds a bit breathy. “Those stupid hands of yours.”

“Mmm.” Nick can’t bring himself to be too offended on behalf of his hands. He does have ludicrously long fingers. He begins to lower Louis’ joggers, letting Louis lift up his backside as Nick slides them over the bit where Louis’ cock strains against his underpants and then down over the curve of his arse. 

“Is that weird?” Louis blinks his eyes open and watches Nick slide his jogging bottoms off, working them carefully over the cast and then dropping them on the floor. “To like that?”

“’Course not.” Nick shakes his head. “Some blokes don’t want it at all. For others it’s a means to an end, but it’s not like that for us. You like it and I’m good at it, so we do it even when we’re not going to fuck. A lot.”

Louis narrows his eyes at Nick. “It’s a bit selfish though, innit? You’re doing all the work.”

Nick huffs with laughter because if only Louis knew how hard it gets Nick watching Louis come apart and how filthy and glorious it feels to fuck him like that, watching his lips part and the heat spread across his chest and into his face. He slides his hands over Louis’ thighs, loving the feel of the bare skin beneath his fingers. “It’s not like that. It gets me off too. I like…” It’s Nick’s turn to get hot in the cheeks. “I like watching.”

“Bet you do.” Louis flicks his tongue over his lips, watching Nick. His eyes are darker than usual and his voice rough. “Do you make me bring myself off for you?”

Nick has to bite back a groan because _no_ but now he bloody well wishes he had. “There’s an idea.”

“Yeah?” Louis looks pleased with himself at having thought of something they haven’t done before. He drops his hand to his boxers and palms himself slowly, his eyes on Nick. “What else?”

Nick clears his throat because they’re so early into this and he doesn’t know how Louis is going to feel about it, but he wants to be honest. Wants to share it all with Louis. “We’re crap at talking about it, but we were starting to try other stuff. Kinkier stuff.”

“We were?” Louis squeezes his hand around himself and _god_ Nick wants to see him. “Like what?”

“Playing.” Nick slides his hands up Louis’ thighs and pushes his hand away from his cock, hooking his thumbs into Louis’ boxers. “Can I?”

“Yes.” Louis’ eyes close for a moment and he lifts up to let Nick take off his boxers. “Yeah.”

Nick slides them down carefully and drops them on the floor, pushing Louis’ t-shirt up. “This too.”

“Am I the only one getting naked?” Louis gives Nick a grin but pulls off his t-shirt anyway.

“You want me to?” Nick pulls off his t-shirt and throws it on the floor.

“Obviously, dickhead. All of it.” Louis gestures to Nick’s crotch. Nick gives Louis a look for the _dickhead_ but he knows Louis well enough to know that he makes sharp comments when he’s nervous. Nick gets off the bed, unbuckling his jeans and taking off the rest of his clothes before resuming his position between Louis’ legs. His head nearly explodes when Louis reaches into his drawer and chucks a bottle of lube on the bed beside Nick, his cheeks flushed. “Wondered how I got through so much of this. I thought I’d spent most of the hiatus wanking.”

Nick laughs. “All that time to yourself with none of the lads around. What else is there to do, apart from watch the footie?”

Louis grins. His expression shifts and he slides his hand down his stomach and he’s so, so fit it’s all Nick can do not to bury himself in Louis and never come up for air. “Tell me about the playing.”

“Okay.” Nick hands the lube to Louis. “I want you to touch yourself while I do.”

“Christ.” Louis swallows and Nick watches his Adam’s apple bob in his throat. “Alright.” He slicks his hand and leaves the lube back by Nick again, which Nick’s going to take as a hint that he should probably start using his fingers soon. 

“That’s it, darling.” Nick squeezes Louis’ thigh and keeps his eyes focused on him. He can’t believe that he still gets to do this with Louis. Can’t believe that even without the benefit of the past six months, Louis still trusts Nick to get him to that same place. Maybe it means that if there was a Nick and a Louis in a hundred different universes, all starting out from different points, they would always find their way back to one another. Nick likes that idea. 

“Nick…” Louis’ voice is ragged now. “Tell me.”

“We were drinking and you kept turning the telly over when I was trying to watch summat. I said if you didn’t stop I’d have to put you over my knee.”

“ _Oh_.” Louis’ lips part and he jerks into his fist, a puff of breath leaving his lips. It’s beautiful. So fucking beautiful watching him like this. “Did you?”

“No, we just fucked on the sofa but it got us both thinking and then vodka happened.”

Louis laughs, but it’s breathy and broken. He sounds as though he’s somewhere between turned on and terrified. “ _Fuck_.”

Nick grabs a pillow and taking care not to rest on Louis because of his ribs, he holds himself up and gives Louis a slow kiss before nudging him. “Up. Lift up a bit.”

Louis does as Nick asks and he arranges the pillow to provide easy access to Louis without disturbing his leg or having to jostle him about. Nick slicks his fingers and doesn’t miss the way Louis bites back a moan of approval.

“This okay, love?” Nick rubs lightly over Louis’ hole and he nods, squeezing his hand around the base of his cock.

“Yes. Yeah. Keep going. Tell me what we did.”

“We talked about it pissed and then tried some of it out sober.”

“What, though? God, Nick.” Louis glares at Nick, flushed and gorgeous and still so bloody feisty. “Touch me, will you?”

“Sorry.” Nick smiles and he presses a kiss to Louis’ thigh before sitting back on his heels so he can see everything – Louis pushing into his own fist and the first slide of his finger into Louis’ body. It’s hot, filthy and a lot to take in. Louis sucks in a sharp breath when Nick starts to use his fingers, slowly at first and then just how Louis likes. He knows his own voice is rough and ragged, the images of their first few attempts at the kinky stuff careering through his mind. “I spanked you. Tied you up one evening.”

Louis’ hand moves faster and he groans properly now, not trying to bite back the sounds he’s making anymore. “Did you…your belt? Did I ask you to do that? Used to think about it. About being a shit to you and then you behind me—”

Louis stops and just as Nick slides two fingers against the spot he knows drives Louis wild, he comes over his fist and collapses back onto the bed with a groan. Nick slides his fingers slowly out of Louis when his climax subsides.

“Sorry. It’s been a while.” Louis reaches his hand out for Nick. “Hope I’m not always that quick.”

“You’re not and it wasn’t. It was good. Perfect.” Nick shifts up to stretch out next to Louis. He pushes a hand into Louis’ hair and kisses him until they’re both breathless. 

“You’re a liar,” Louis says. He sounds fond and happy, his words muffled against Nick’s mouth.

“Am not.”

“I _do_ make you do all the work.” Louis pulls back and pushes his hand down Nick’s body. “Haven’t even come, yet.”

“Tell you what.” Nick can tell it’s not going to be that comfortable for Louis to be on his side and after the last revelation he doesn’t want to stop Louis from saying anything by having Louis suck him off. “Why don’t you watch me for a change, then? Tell me more about this fantasy of yours. With the belt.”

“Can do.” Louis clears his throat. “It’s a bit embarrassing.”

“It’s a bit fucking hot is what it is.” Nick kisses Louis again. “Where do you want me?”

Louis dumps the extra pillows beneath his arse next to the headboard and shuffles up into a sitting position. He points to his thighs. “Sit there.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.” Nick moves to straddle Louis, holding himself upright without putting any weight on him.

“It’s my chest and my leg. The rest is in perfect working order.” Louis drops his gaze to Nick’s cock. “Come on, I want to see.”

“You’re so impatient.” Nick rests his weight on Louis slowly until he’s sure he’s not hurting him. He grabs the lube and puts plenty on his hand because he loves a messy wank. He smiles at Louis. “Go on, then. Tell me about this belt thing.”

Louis watches Nick slide his hand over his cock and wets his lips before speaking. His eyes are still dark and hazy and he looks like he wants to taste Nick, which is flattering to say the least. Nick isn’t exactly the most body confident person in the world, but he’s got a decent cock and there’s something in Louis’ hungry gaze that makes him happy to put on a bit of a show. 

“There was this thing – some awards evening. Don’t even remember what. You looked nice.” Louis looks away because telling Nick he looked good is even harder than dropping none too subtle hints about fingering. 

“Be still my heart,” Nick says. It earns him a glare.

“I was being arsey—”

“As per usual.”

“If you don’t let me get on with it, you can go and have a wank in the bathroom.” Louis rolls his eyes. “Anyway, you looked like a tit—”

“Excuse me! You just said I looked nice.”

“ _Fine_. You looked less terrible than usual. Less silk.” Louis drops his gaze to Nick’s hand and his cock and tugs his bottom lip between his teeth. “You were being fucking loud and annoyin’—”

“Are you trying to make me come or cry?” Nick wriggles on Louis’ thighs. “Idiot.”

“I said something stupid to you and you just…didn’t care. You went off, chatting to this bloke and ignored me.” Louis swallows and Nick watches him carefully. “I got pissed and planned to go up and tell you I thought you were a knob or something, but Liam stopped me. Then I got home, and it got weird…”

“In a sexy way?” Nick’s not exactly getting much harder from the Liam references, Louis being pissy or the memory of some bloke whose name Nick probably doesn’t remember anymore.

“Yes.” Louis grits his teeth but then he sighs and meets Nick’s gaze straight on. “I thought what if I saw you by yourself somewhere and no one else was around. I imagined telling you- ”

“Wait.” Nick’s dick gives a hopeful twitch in his hand. “What were you doing when you imagined this?”

“Nothing, at first.” Louis’ cheeks are deep pink now and his throat works. “Then I started wanking.”

“God.” Nick groans and strokes himself more firmly, the picture of Louis wanking alone to a Nick-related fantasy even before anything happened a bit too much to take. “Carry on.”

“I was yelling at you and then you shouted at me and then you kissed me.” Louis shrugs. “You said I was a brat and you turned me around. Had me bend over. I could hear you. Unbuckling your belt and all I wanted was for you to fuck me.”

Nick’s hand moves faster, his breathing jagged. “You wanted me to strip you where anyone could have walked in? Make sure you felt it the next day?”

“ _Yes_.” Nick can see Louis’ cock taking interest again and when Louis reaches down he shakes his head. “No, darling. Not yet. It’s my turn.”

“Fucking hell.” Louis grips onto the sheets but he nods, wetting his lips again and doing exactly as Nick tells him which is hot as fuck. “I thought you were going to fuck me first, but you didn’t. You said I should be taught a lesson.” Louis clutches his fists tighter in the sheets. “Then you spanked me with your belt, you fucked me, and I came. By myself, I mean. I came by myself and I didn’t know what the fuck to do about it.”

Nick groans because it’s a lot hearing that but there’s something in him that jolts and he slides his hand from his cock. He leans in careful not to place any weight on Louis’ chest and kisses him slowly, letting Louis part his lips and taking his time to slide his tongue against Louis’ until he starts making brilliant sounds into the kiss. 

“Lou…” Nick pulls back a little and after pressing one last feather-light kiss against Louis’ lips. “When we play…”

“Is it like that?” 

Nick shakes his head. “No, love.” He brushes Louis’ hair from his forehead, where it’s damp from sweat and clinging to his skin. “You’re not being punished. You definitely won’t believe this, but you actually like being good for me.” Nick brushes his lips to Louis’ ear and for one, bittersweet moment he can almost pretend that Louis still remembers. “My good boy.” It leaves Nick choked up, remembering when he first said it to Louis and how Louis responded.

“ _Oh_.” Louis laughs but it sounds a bit off. “Doesn’t sound like me.”

Nick pulls back and slips off Louis, settling next to him and sliding an arm over his belly. “It’s good, though. When we do it. Maybe you want me to be more, err, in charge. I don’t know.” Nick shrugs, the old self-doubt crawling through him. “I think you like how we do it, though.”

Louis stares at Nick and his face looks drawn and tired again. “Now I can’t even get you off. Not very good anymore.”

“Stop.” Nick leans in to give Louis another kiss, wondering if he’s pushed this too much and taken things too far. “You can get me off. You always get me off. I’ve been hard all night, love. You do that to me. I just…I think I feel weird about hurting you after everything. Weird about being rough with you. At least I do at the minute.”

“What feels good, now?” Louis looks at Nick. “Not then. What feels good now?”

“It’s a bit embarrassing.” Nick looks away. “I want to take care of you. I’ve got a hard on for tidying up those mugs of yours and helping you around the house a bit.”

“You took care of me earlier.” Louis winces as he tries to shift, a small smile pulling at his lips.

“I did, didn’t I?” Nick tries not to sound too smug. He presses his face into the crook of Louis’ neck and breathes him in. Louis is still half hard and Nick moves his hand over Louis’ stomach. “Want to let me do it again?”

“Yeah.” Louis’ chest rises and falls, his cock responding to Nick’s touch. 

Nick makes his way down Louis’ body and he takes him into his mouth. He wants Louis to feel good. Wants him to forget all the bad shit and the stuff that makes his face crease into a frown. He wants to make him feel something other than broken and uncomfortable. He lubes his fingers and slides them back inside Louis, taking his time to suck him steadily until Louis bucks into Nick’s mouth and climaxes with Nick’s name on his lips. Nick gets back into the position he was in before, on Louis’ thighs, and he puts Louis’ hand on his cock as he pulls him into a deep, searching kiss. It doesn’t take more than a few tugs for Louis to bring Nick off and when they’re finished they stretch out on the bed and breathe into the darkness.

“Louis?” Nick reaches for Louis’ hand. “Was alright, wasn’t it?”

“Better than alright.” Louis’ voice is thick with sleep. “So tired, Nick. So fucking tired. Keep having nightmares.”

“I know, darling.” Nick’s chest gets tight and he helps Louis rest against him as best he can. He strokes his hand through Louis’ hair. “You’re okay. You’re safe now.” Nick knows he can’t promise to keep Louis safe always. Knows he can’t keep the trolls online or the people that want to cause Louis harm at bay. But if he can make Louis feel safe for a moment – even if it’s just long enough to sleep – it’s something. “Pig can be your guard dog, if you like. She’s feisty is Pig.” 

Nick’s met with an answering snore and he presses a kiss into Louis’ hair. He listens to the familiar sound of Louis breathing and stares at the ceiling. He wants Louis to get his memories back. He wants him to remember how good he is at making Nick lose his head, wants him to remember all the things Louis discovered about himself over those six months. Nick wants him to know how brave he was telling Nick about being bi and the way his step got lighter and his confidence grew as he figured it all out. He wants that for Louis most of all – the confidence that came with understanding himself and being able to explain it over fish and chips without stumbling or worrying. Nick wants him to get to that place where he can say _this is who I am_ and not feel like part of him is missing.

The fact that Louis was more open to sharing intimate details with Nick in one night than he has been in six months gives Nick hope that there’s still something there that helped Louis instinctively trust Nick. He hopes that Louis’ lost memories are in a dark room just waiting for someone to turn on the light.

Nick feels restless and he reaches for his phone. He dicks around on the internet for a bit and then he goes into his messages.

 _let me know you’re okay, yeah?_ Nick’s last message to Louis.

He scrolls all the way up to the first _legend_ and starts to live his and Louis’ story all over again.

**//THEN**

Nick calls Louis for what must be the fiftieth time that night, but there’s no answer. The phone just goes straight to voicemail and there’s nothing after the last text with a timestamp of 22:34.

_Arctic Monkeys are playing. Siiiiiick !!_

Nick responded to that with the man dancing and the hear-no-evil monkey. He may have added a couple of kisses before deleting them because Nick’s the sort to overanalyse every message he sends. Considering he sends a lot to Louis it gets a bit much. He can’t even call friends for advice on appropriate use of the aubergine because they’re nosy as fuck and would just steal his phone to find out who he’s shagging. 

A wave of nausea rolls through Nick and he makes himself a calming cup of tea. It’s fine. Louis isn’t about to go off with someone else. Still, Nick can’t help thinking how unlike Louis it is not to send him some stupid message or tell Nick the kind of filthy thing that only comes out when he’s drunk, on the other end of a phone and can’t see Nick’s face judging him. Not that Nick ever judges him, but he suspects that’s what Louis’ scared of. Nick needs to do a better job of explaining to Louis that he’s probably going to find anything with Louis hot. Louis is a menace like that. He gets Nick thinking about stuff Nick’s never been that interested in before. 

Pig comes trotting in to see what’s going on. She’s probably hungry because Nick gave her a little bit less food knowing that Louis would undoubtedly feed her some pizza, kebab or the kind of thing she definitely shouldn’t eat but does on the rare occasions Louis goes out late.

“Hi Piggy.” Nick crouches down to Pig’s level and she smiles at him, mouth wide around one of Louis’ trainers. “Where’s our Louis, love?”

Pig’s tail thumps against the kitchen counter and Nick rubs her behind her ears. Louis is _our Louis_ when Nick’s alone with Pig. He doesn’t let Louis hear that kind of thing because it would give far too much away. The depth of Nick’s feelings for Louis have always been for Pig’s ears only. Nick hoped to get Louis somewhere with vodka and loud music where he could yell _I think I love you_ over something by Rihanna. It was an excellent plan. If Louis looked like he was going to scarper, Nick could pretend he had said something else entirely and there would be plenty of booze on hand for Nick to drown his sorrows. Nick is excellent at relationships, honestly. It’s a wonder he hasn’t had more of them. Now Nick just wants Louis to hurry up and get home because Nick wants to say _I love you, you knob_ right back to Louis and make all the apologies for not saying it when he should have done. He hopes Louis knows. Hopes Louis wouldn’t go off with the unsaid _I love you_ lingering between them and a head full of doubts. Louis could have anyone he wants, and it would be just like Nick to ruin everything.

When it gets later still, Nick really begins to worry. He busies himself on the internet and Googles Louis in case there have been any fan pics or pap shots which might make Nick’s jittery nerves relax a bit. A number of articles leap up when Nick hits enter.

_Breaking News: One Direction’s Louis Tomlinson in Violent Attack_

Everything gets cold and Nick scrolls through the article as his hands start to tremble.

_At around eleven thirty this evening, Louis Tomlinson was attacked in Clapham. Tomlinson is known for being one fourth of the boyband One Direction who recently embarked on a hiatus. It is believed that Tomlinson left the club alone and he was attacked as he waited for his car which arrived on the scene shortly afterwards. A few bystanders drinking nearby at the time of the attack have indicated that it was motivated by homophobia. Though Tomlinson has never spoken publicly about his sexuality, there have been longstanding rumours about the nature of the relationship between Tomlinson and his former band mate Harry Styles. Together with multiple homophobic slurs shouted by his attackers, Tomlinson was heard shouting “So what if I am?” The attack ended after multiple people in the vicinity rushed to Tomlinson’s aid. Those responsible for the attack have not yet been found._

_Tomlinson is currently in hospital, in North London. His condition is believed to be serious, but stable._

Nick calls Harry, on autopilot.

“Nick. Can’t talk, man. There’s been-”

“Louis. I know.” Nick swallows and wonders what the fuck he’s going to say. He has to know. He has to _know_. “Is he alright?”

“They took his phone and his wallet and beat him up.” Harry’s voice wobbles. “Broken ankle, bruised ribs and stuff. His face took a lot of it and his head.” Harry takes a deep breath. “They’re saying there’s some kind of amnesia. He doesn’t remember loads of stuff. Doesn’t remember going on hiatus or the last interviews or anything.”

Nick can’t. He _can’t_. “Give him my love, yeah. Here if you need me.” Nick has to get off the phone. He has to get off the fucking phone before he breaks down and Harry asks why the bleedin’ hell Nick’s crying over Louis Tomlinson.

“Will do. Cheers, Grim.” Harry hangs up.

Nick stares at his phone for approximately three seconds before he runs to his bathroom to throw up.

**//NOW**

Nick wakes slowly and when he does, Louis is watching him. For a moment, Nick forgets. He leans into Louis instinctively and gives him a soft kiss. It's only when he pulls back that he properly notices the bruises on Louis' face and everything comes flooding back. "Shit. I'm sorry."

Louis shakes his head. "Doesn't matter." He looks fierce. "You getting off, then?"

Nick can't work out if he's being told to leave or if Louis is just being deliberately belligerent. "I thought you were going to let me tidy up a bit?"

Louis looks as though he's waging an internal battle with himself, his lips tight as he frowns at Nick. Eventually he looks away, his voice quiet and masking the faintest note of trepidation. "I suppose. It's difficult to get in and out of the shower on these fucking crutches, too. Can't get the cast wet. Have to put on this thing the hospital gave me."

"Oh." Nick reaches out just to brush his fingers against Louis' skin. In the daylight he can properly see the bruising on his body that he had missed the previous night. It makes Nick want to go out fighting and Nick's rubbish at fights. He would do it, though. For Louis. "Maybe it might help to have someone give you hand?"

"Might." Louis turns back to Nick, his throat working. "Do you have time? Bet you're supposed to be doing yoga or summat today. Whatever it is people do in Primrose Hill on a Saturday. _Brunch_ probably." Louis rolls his eyes.

Nick sucks in a sharp breath and he stares at Louis. "How did you know I live in Primrose Hill?"

"Dunno." Louis looks confused. "Must have been in the papers or Haz. He's stayed before, hasn't he?"

"Yeah." Nick doesn't push but the same spark of hope he had last night flickers again. He thinks of the dark room in Louis' mind where all his memories of Nick are locked up. Nick wonders if his just being around might help the lights come on. He shifts up in bed. "No brunch or yoga. I'm all yours, if you want me." There's a silence at that and Nick clears his throat. "Shower first, or shall I have a bit of a tidy?"

Louis shrugs. He glances at Nick. "Don't care." He sounds almost put out, which considering Nick's offering to play nursemaid seems a bit rude. Nick studies him carefully and tries to pick through the signs, the clench of his jaw and the firm line of his lips. The way Louis tries to look like he doesn't care what Nick wants to do and the way his eyes are still circled with the shadows of not enough sleep. Nick decides to take a risk because he already knows one thing Louis isn't good at talking about.

"Unless you fancied getting me off as I'm being so nice to you?"

When Louis looks at Nick again, he's fighting back a smile. "You'd better get the hoover out too if you're expecting me to suck your knob."

"If you let me finger you again I might even do the ironing." Nick meets Louis' smile with one of his own.

"Come here, then. Idiot."

Nick leans forward to meet Louis' kiss and their lazy Saturday morning almost, _almost_ feels like old times

**//THEN**

How do you grieve for something if no one in the world knows what you’ve lost?

Nick stares at a picture of himself in the paper caught on one of his rare nights out over the last few weeks. He can see why the press think he’s doing all sorts. He looks awful. Nick’s wanted to get skinny forever, but his face looks hollow rather than slim. He looks ill and his eyes are dull and glazed. On the page next to him there’s a grainy picture of Louis leaning on his crutches as he leaves hospital. They make a right pair. Like Nick, Louis looks pale and drawn and he hides himself in a baggy jumper and throws two fingers up at the cameras.

Nick picks up his car keys and decides to swing past the petrol station to grab a bunch of flowers. He’s waited long enough. 

It’s time to see Louis.

**//NOW**

When Nick comes home full of the joys of Friday, Louis is waiting for him. He’s got Pig curled up beside him on the sofa and a wide smile which steals Nick’s breath from his lungs. After the first visit and the rubbish carnations, Nick went to see Louis again and again until Louis demanded to meet Pig and turned up at Nick's house with a bag and said he might need some help after all. Not that Nick put up any kind of fight. 

“Hi, love.” Nick leans in to give Louis a brief kiss. The plaster cast came off last week and his eye is back to normal. Not all his scars are visible, though. There are nights when Louis has bad dreams and Nick has to bring him back to waking – bring him into the warmth of their house and away from the cold, violent memories of that night. “Fancy going out tonight?”

“Dunno.” Louis shrugs. He doesn’t look much like he fancies it. He flicks on the telly and doesn’t look at Nick. “Can’t we just stay in?”

Nick doesn’t mind staying in. They stayed in the past four weekends and had dinner with friends they trust, crowded around Nick’s small kitchen table. They drove up to Donny to see Louis’ mum and Nick made a twat of himself by talking too much and too quickly until Louis reminded him to breathe. It went alright after that. It’s not that Nick needs to be out clubbing and a large part of him would like to keep Louis entirely to himself. He knows why Louis’ avoiding going out, though. He knows that Louis doesn’t want to hear people yelling all sorts about him when he just wants to have a drink.

“I know a place we can go.” Nick sits by Louis and takes his hand. “Somewhere no one’s going to give you shit.”

Louis gives Nick a sceptical look. “Like Fight Club?”

Nick laughs. “Yeah, exactly like that.” He boxes the air. “I was thinking a gay bar, actually.”

Louis runs his tongue over his lips. “If anyone takes photos of me…”

“They might.” Nick shrugs. “It depends where we go. A lot of places have an unspoken rule about that sort of thing. It’s not nice outing someone without their consent. I think people who’ve gone through it themselves tend to understand that better than most.”

Louis pulls a face. “If I go to an All Bar One with you, they’ll still get photos. At least there won’t be dickheads punching me for being queer in a gay bar.”

Nick’s stomach turns, and he squeezes Louis’ hand. “I’ll get all Fight Club if anyone tries that again.”

“No, you won’t.” Louis gives Nick a soft smile, his eyes shining. He makes Nick’s heart so full.

“I might.” Nick pokes Louis in the side. “I’ve been doing loads of yoga lately. Plus, All Bar Ones are shit. If you want a pub we’ll go to one around here, they don’t get too mad at the weekend.”

“Can’t sit indoors forever, can we?” Louis gets that mutinous look that Nick loves so much. “Fuck ‘em. If people want to take pictures, let them.” 

“You want to go to a pub?” 

“No.” Louis shakes his head. “Let’s go to this place of yours. Make it a proper night out. You’re buying though, Nicholas.”

“Obviously the multi-millionaire popstar expects _me_ to buy the drinks.” Nick rolls his eyes, but he can’t stop the smile spreading across his face. “Come on, then. Get your glad rags on.”

“Who the fuck says that apart from someone’s nanna?” Louis tugs Nick to his feet. “Fancy sucking me off in the shower?”

A shiver of pleasure travels down the length of Nick’s spine. “Always, darling.”

He can’t get them both into the shower quickly enough.

*

It turns out to be one of Nick’s best ideas ever, even if he does say so himself. Louis is antsy all the way there and the jostling crowds make him jumpy, but Nick gets them to a quieter part of the bar and after a couple of drinks Louis settles. Nick catches him out of the corner of his eye looking around with wide-eyed surprise and it makes Nick want to hug him, honestly. The drag queen on the decks plays That’s What Makes You Beautiful and Nick gets to show Louis his excellent Sissy That Walk moves. Louis doesn’t think they’re as excellent as Nick does, but he laughs a lot and gives Nick an awkward kiss at the bar which catches the corner of Nick’s mouth and takes him completely by surprise. When Louis pulls back his cheeks are red, but he looks as happy as Nick’s ever seen him. Nick loves him so damn much he doesn’t even notice the go-go boys dancing next to them on the bar. It’s a bit sickening, really but Nick’s the fall hard, fall fast kind and he’s just going to go with it and stop worrying so much all the time.

They have far too many shots and dance like idiots, as the music pulses around them and the rainbow flags above the bar send their brilliant colours around the bar. They leave in the early hours of the morning and Louis’ smile is so wide it takes Nick’s breath away. He drops Louis’ hand when he hears familiar shouts and sees the flashes of a camera.

“ _Shit_.”

For a moment, Louis looks startled then his face turns to stone. With a look of grim determination, he meets Nick’s gaze and reaches for his hand again, a question in his eyes. Nick rolls his in response because as if he’s going to deny Louis anything, least of all that. He takes Louis’ hand and leans in to press a chaste kiss against his hot cheek. Both their hands are clammy. Eventually Nick extricates himself, slipping an arm over Louis’ shoulder and keeping him close. 

The paps take their pictures and they walk quickly to Louis’ car without answering any questions. When the door to the car is open, Louis turns to Nick and pulls him into a deep kiss that tastes like vodka, coke and defiance. _Fuck you_ , the kiss says to the press. Nick smiles against Louis’ lips and pulls him closer still, kissing him back with everything he has. It’s a kiss that says _I love you_. A kiss that says _I’m in this with you_ and a kiss that says _I’m not going to lose you again_.

They pull apart and Louis frowns at Nick. He’s got glitter on one of his cheekbones and even though there’s a right kerfuffle going on all around them all the noise and all the yelling fades away to white noise.

“Nick?” Louis looks at Nick as if he’s seeing him for the first time, his face breaking into a wide smile. “Nick…I think I remember.”

Nick’s heart hammers in his chest and his stomach somersaults because anxiety’s a bitch and he’s already panicking that remembering might make Louis like him less. Worries that it might make Louis think about the arguments over unwashed plates or the time Nick got angry because Louis let Pig eat something she shouldn’t have and she got sick on Nick’s favourite trainers. All the stupid, tiny, domestic things that matter in some ways but really, really don’t in others.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Louis kisses Nick again and shoves him into the car, slamming the door behind them and giving the driver directions. Waiting for Louis to say something is killing Nick. He knows he's rubbish at losing Louis. He can't imagine having to deal with losing him all over again, just when they've found their way back to a good place. A great place. When Louis finishes chatting to the driver, he leans back and turns to Nick.

"Alright?" Nick swallows back his nerves, reaching for Louis' hand.

"Fine." Louis' eyes are bright as if some fog behind them has finally lifted. His face turns serious and he squeezes Nick's hand. “I’ve been in love with you for such a long time.”

Not what Nick was expecting at all, but with the memory of rainbow flags and glitter balls and Louis’ last, heart-stopping kiss fresh on his lips he can’t imagine anything better.

“Me too,” he says. He pulls Louis close, wrapping an arm around him and kissing him again with the full force of yesterday, today and tomorrow. “Me too.”

_~Fin~_


End file.
